I will love you forever after. Bullshit!
As I walked out of my therapy session last Thursday, a light bulb switched in my head.
As some of you might know, I’ve recently embarked on my journey of going on dates and meeting new people. Things were okay until they were not … I freaked out when things started getting serious.
one word: FEAR
fear of commitment, fear of identity change, fear of getting hurt, fear of hurting other people, fear of losing my freedom, fear of my personal space being shared with someone, etc.
As much as I want to have someone to share life with, I’m not ready for “settling down” (a.k.a choosing one city to call “home” in the next 10–30 years, marriage and having children — though … these are the ones I do want in the future).
A lot of the time, I found that we wanted to go on dates to find “the one” for the rest of our lives in a short period of time. We have a tendency to think too much about the end goal — where two people love each other forever after. That’s where frustration and confusion come in.
1. NOTHING IS PERMANENT
We all know life is fragile, and we can all die tomorrow. There are definitely things that two people need to talk about and align with (i.e. values and beliefs) to have a healthy relationship. But can we stop thinking about the future (of the forever after), and just accept and take in today as it is and enjoy this moment together of company, love, care, comfort, joy, and happiness?
2. NOBODY IS PERFECT — YOU ARE NOT PERFECT
When we focus on “finding the one”, we put pressure on this imaginary person — they have to “look/act/behave/etc.” in certain ways in order to be in a relationship with us. And guess what? YOU are the “imaginary” person that someone’s looking for. Can you handle the pressure? Can you be that “perfect” person?
3. WE LEARN ABOUT OURSELVES THROUGH OUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS
We are all in a relationship with someone — friend, acquaintance, partner, spouse, mentor/mentee, doctor/patient, customer/cashier, etc. Through them, you learn about yourself — things you like and don’t like. People come in and bring out different parts of you — the part where you can be so silly and goofy, the part where you’re so intrigued about numerology, the part where you learn to speak less and listen more, etc.
Honour each relationship you have and see what you can learn from that relationship.
4. BEING IN A NEW RELATIONSHIP IS EXCITING, YET UNCOMFORTABLE
Because change is hard. Humans are complicated. Our behaviours and ways of thinking are impacted by our past. To welcome someone new to your life, it’s like unpacking many layers of the onions to get to know someone a little bit deeper every day. It requires time and effort from both people! It’s messy. It’s chaotic. It’s disorganized. It’s uncomfortable. But once we find the rhythm, the flow and the pattern, take time, let it guide you and …
breatheee …
5. YOU ALWAYS HAVE THE OPTION TO CUT IT OFF AND RUN AWAY
At the end of my session, the therapist asked me, “So what solutions were you thinking?” and I said, “I just want to cut it off and run away, so it’s easier to deal with it on my own.”
She smiled and asked,
“Do you have enough information to make your decision?”
… because “ending” will always be there when you have enough information.
You know the funny part is we spend at least 10–20 years of our life going to school, writing exams, getting a degree, taking internships, joining different groups, reading books, … to get a decent job. So why don’t we take time to learn about ourselves, other people and relationships? And the best way to do it … as always is actually being in one.
